Harry Potter's sober but the Sorcerer's stoned
by MyShARoNA88
Summary: A comedy version Of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone....please R
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter's sober but the Sorcerer's stoned  
  
By: My Sharona88  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I didn't direct the movie either.  
  
Warning: This is supposed to be a fanfic that changes the story and has added characters to it. Enjoy!  
  
Dudley was running up and down the stairs to wake Harry up.   
  
Dudley: Wake up Harry! we're going to the museum! Waaaake u...::falls through the stairs and lands on top of harry:  
  
Harry: Mother f...get off me!  
  
Dudley: Ouch!!! i refuse to go to the light!  
  
Harry: Oh, shaddap!...imma make breakfast. ::walks in the kitchen::  
  
Aunt Petunia: Make sure you don't burn the breakfast! Remember last time? when you burnt that steak and broke my front teeth? ::smiles to show his lost two front teeth::  
  
Harry: heh...  
  
Aunt petunia: AGh! Dudley, the birthday boy...why won't you open the presents?  
  
Dudley: How many are there?  
  
Uncle Vernon: There are ::counts:: Zero.  
  
DudleY: O_____O. Zero? but last year, last year I had one!  
  
Harry: That's because you ate all your friends.  
  
Dudley: OH YEA!  
  
All: Silly overweight dudley!  
  
In the museum,  
  
Dudley: Make the snake move!  
  
Uncle Vernon: Move!!!  
  
Snake: Make me fatties!  
  
DudleY: That was mean! ::cries to his mommy::  
  
Snake: Awwwwwwwww! Little Dudley's pussy whipped!  
  
Dudley: Oh, that's it! ::goes inside the tank and eats the snake::  
  
Meanwhile, they went back home...and Dudley entered first...  
  
Dudley: MOM! DAD! they're two naked people inside and they're killing each other...  
  
Uncle Vernon: Oh, silly me...wrong house!  
  
Harry: Cough cough Dumbass cough cough  
  
Uncle Vernon: What did u say?  
  
Harry: Fat ass  
  
Uncle Vernon: What? oh wat the hell, it's true.  
  
In their real house...  
  
Dudley: Harry's got a letter!  
  
Uncle Vernon: Who would write to you? ::looks at the letter:: Oh, a subscription to Cosmopolitan magazine.  
  
Harry: ::shrugs::  
  
Hagrid: ::breaks the door and enters::   
  
Uncle Vernon: Mother? is that you?  
  
Hagrid: O_____________O, no...my name's Hagrid and i came here for Harry.  
  
Harry: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!  
  
Hagrid: Can i use the bathroom though?  
  
Harry: sure!  
  
Hagrid: ::goes to the bathroom:: Harry, i'm gonna bring you ::farts:: to Hogwarts...  
  
Harry: Yay! i never been to a strip club before!  
  
Hagrid: O_______O, that's not a ::farts:: strip club. It's a school for wizards and witches. ::farts:: OH HERE'S A BIG ONE!  
  
Harry: O_____O, i'm a wizard?  
  
Hagrid: Yea! remember the time when you wanted ::farts:: Playboy magazines so bad that it appeared magically on your bed ::farts::?  
  
Harry: Um....no, i...don't...remember...that! ::looks around suspiciously::  
  
Hagrid: ::comes out of the bathroom:: C'mon let's go!  
  
They went to Diagon alley and bought everything they needed. Then, they arrived at the train station::  
  
Harry: Hey, hagrid...this ticket says platform 9.1143687...there's no such thing, is there?  
  
Hagrid: Of course!  
  
Harry: You're supposed to dissapear!  
  
Hagrid: Oh yea! ::dissapears::  
  
Harry: ::comes up to the guy in the train station:: excuse me, where can I find platform 9.1143687?  
  
Guy: Me no speak english. ::slaps harry::  
  
Harry: What was that for?  
  
Guy: Me no speak english!  
  
Harry: O_o...ok....::sees a family going to platform 9.1143687:: Excuse me can you help me? It's my first time. My name is Harry Potter.  
  
Mom: Sure, it's Ron's first time too!  
  
Ron: No it's not, remember that night where I came home late?  
  
Mom: I didn't mean that way! anyways, all you have to do is run through that wall.  
  
Harry: But...i'm gonna crash, break my nose, deform my face....and...  
  
Mom: Um....i think this fanfic is rated PG-13 so tone down Harry...  
  
Harry: Oh, sorry! ::runs through the wall and ends up in platform 9.1143687::  
  
Harry: Yay! i'm going to a strip club, i mean school!  
  
Mysterious voice: You're an idiot.  
  
Harry: I love you voice! ::hugs the voice::  
  
Mysterious voice: Agh! let go of me! you smell like Mary Kate and Ashley after shave.  
  
Disclaimer: O____O, that was odd...chapter 2 coming up! 


	2. Silly Troll!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I didn't direct the movie.  
  
::imagines owning harry potter with a million dollars in my hand::  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Haley Joel Osment: Excuse me, can I sit with you? all the other rooms are full...  
  
Harry: You're not in thus fanfic and that's not your line!  
  
Haley: Shadap! i wanna be in this fanfic!  
  
Me: ::jumps in the fanfic and pushes haley of the train:: Ouch that hurt...but does your mouth feel clean?  
  
Haley: ::smiling while rolling on the ground::  
  
Me: Fabulous! Orbit gum, makes your mouth feel clean...no matter what! Take 2!  
  
Ron: Excuse me...can I sit with you? All the other rooms are empty...  
  
Harry: O_______O, why?  
  
Ron: Well, the students jumped off the train because this albino kid named Draco Malfoy farted.  
  
Harry: Oh...that's nice. Well, you can sit here.  
  
Ron: I'm Ron by the way, Ron Greasy. And you?  
  
Harry: I'm Harry, Harry Potter...yes, amazing isn't it?  
  
Ron: I guess....is it true? you know, that scar on your ass?  
  
Harry: O_____O, no, it's in my forehead!   
  
Hermione: Excuse me...a kid named Neville Shortbottom has lost his toad and he said he'll eat me if I don't find it. Have you seen one?  
  
Harry and Ron: O____________O, nope  
  
Hermione: Oh man, I'm gonna get eaten. Tell my mom I love her. Tell all my friends I won't forget about them and....Holy son of a biscuit! your Harry Potter! can I see the scar on your ass?  
  
Harry: IT'S NOT ON MY FRIGGIN ASS! in my forehead!  
  
Hermione: Anyways, My name is Hermione Pink Ranger, nice to meet both of you...::points to Ron's nose:: You got...white stuff on your nose by the way did you know?....just there.  
  
Ron: Heh... ::looks around suspiciously::  
  
They arrived in Hogwarts SCHOOL! not strip club...SCHOOL! ahem...sorry.  
  
McGonagall: First, we would have a feast and a few announcements by Professor Dumblewhore.  
  
Draco: Is there gonna be a lot of lights inside? cause i'm albino and my skin is gonna get burnt...then i'm gonna melt and...  
  
McGonagall: Shaddap! it's a pg-13 fic! damn! woops...excuse my french. ::giggles like a 4 year old litle girl and walks inside::  
  
Draco: It's true then...Mr.Potter has come to Howarts. My name is Draco, Draco Malfoy.  
  
Ron: ::giggles like a 4 year old girl::  
  
Draco: You think that's funny do ya? red hair...and a hand-me-down robe...you must....  
  
Ron: ::opens the window::  
  
Draco: AGHHHH! the sunlight! it hurts! agh! my face! my beautiful pale face! ::jumps off the staircase::  
  
All: O_______________________________O  
  
Ron: It's night time.  
  
Draco: OH! ::dies::  
  
McGonagall: Ok, kiddies, enter the door ::dances like a ballerina:: I'm like a bird...i'll always fly away! i don't know where my soul is, i don't know where my home is...  
  
All: ::throws tomatoes at Professor McGonagall and enters the door::  
  
Draco: ::hides under the table:: The light would burn me!!!  
  
Harry: I thought you were dead already?  
  
Draco: I know! ^___^  
  
All: O_______________________O  
  
Dumblewhore: Take your seats everyone! I have a few announcements...Soon, all of your names would be called to wear the sorting hat and be sorted into your houses. Also...there are a few rules...the forest is forbidden and the third floor hallway or you would die on an exrushiating death. I think Hagrid would like to give a few words ::coughs insanely::  
  
Hagrid: Hello students! ::farts:: OMG! I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! ::runs to the bathroom while farting::  
  
Students: ::bursts out of laughter::  
  
Dumblewhore: SHADAP! SHADAP! ::turns everyone into rainbow-colored bunnies and coughs insanely::  
  
McGonagall: ^____^! yay! i've always wanted to be a rainbow-colored bunny! ::hops around with joy::  
  
Dumblewhore: Sorry about that! ::turns everyone back to normal::  
  
Ron: Look! me and Hermione made a baby bunny! ^_^  
  
Hermione: O____________O  
  
McGonagall: I'm gonna call your names now! ::giggles:: Ron Greasy!  
  
Ron: ::sits in the chair::  
  
Sorting hat: OMG! you need to take a shower hun. Seriously, you smell like burning rubber mixed in with feet. OH GOD! ::explodes::  
  
All: O_______________________O  
  
McGonagall: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo...FIREWORKS! ::jumps up and down::  
  
Professor Quirrel: AGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I SAW A TROLL IN THE BATHROOM! AGHHHHHHHHHHH! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   
  
=====================Unfortunately, his shouting lasted for 3 hours========================  
  
Ron: Isn't Hermione in the bathroom?  
  
Harry: Why? maybe it's this thing called menstruation...  
  
Ron: What the hell is that?  
  
Harry: I think it's when girls start to release blood out of their wait....why are we talking? we have to save her! ::runs to the bathroom::  
  
================In the bathroom, ========================  
  
Hermione: OMG! why is there blood coming out of me! Am i dying!  
  
Troll: ::walks in:: GOO GOO GA GA!  
  
Hermione: Are you....GOD? am i dead?  
  
Troll: O_________________O  
  
Harry and Ron: ::runs inside:: Hermione! watch out! wait.....huh?  
  
Hermione and Troll: ::is painting each other's toenails::  
  
McGonagall: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is that hotpink glitter nail polish!  
  
Hermione: YES!  
  
McGonagall: Griffindor gets 1000,000,000 points for getting the hotpink glitter nail polish! ::dances the macarena:: 


End file.
